Friendship Is Rare

Hi, folks!I hadn't planned on going so long between updates, but [insert boring excuses about travel, work, summer, and generalized busyness, intermixed with the challenge of finding time for something that's not strictly mandatory]. The epic road trip I mentioned last time was followed almost immediately by a short-term relocation to New York City for all of July, and that was a Whole Thing.We were in NYC because Doug was part of an NEH Summer Institute hosted by the Bard Graduate Center—or rather, that's why he was there; I got to tag along because I work remotely and it doesn't matter where I am as long as I have my laptop and wifi. Needless to say, "spend a month living in an internationally legendary city" wasn't exactly a tough sell, but the Institute itself was surprisingly great, not just for him but for me too. It was basically like a scholarly boot camp for academics/artists/curators/etc., in which they spent their days learning about the material culture of 19th-century New York and gradually getting to know one another. Each evening his brain would be abuzz with new historical tidbits to share—and he was fortunate enough to make a few genuine friends within his cohort, who became my friends by proxy too.It's not super easy to form friendships as an adult, at least not the kind where you can feel comfortable expressing whatever weird anecdote or observation pops into your head. Work is one of the few places where you're introduced to new people and spend enough time around them to develop a rapport—and yet work is also a place where you're often obligated to be a not-quite-authentic version of yourself: fewer swears, no off-color jokes, infrequent and tentative digressions into potentially revealing niche interests. So even if you do meet a true friend in the office, it might take a while before you realize how compatible you are.And while the flexibility of working remotely is an enormous perk, the lack of physical proximity makes it even harder to get to know people. I'm lucky in that I've known most of my colleagues for years (and am legit friends with many of them) but whenever a new person is hired it takes a while to foster any familiarity. I'm in town three days a month for about ten months out of the year—which means that I get as much annual facetime with my coworkers as Doug got during his one month of NEHing. Plus, I'm always working while I'm in town (as is everyone else), and in my case that usually means running from meeting to meeting. There's not always an opportunity to shoot the shit in an office, where you're all managing your own personal portfolio of tasks. It's not the same as being part of a program based on shared interests, mutual discussion, and knowledge exchange—all of which can lead to a natural intimacy.I'm jealous that Doug got to do this cool thing, is what I'm saying. (Okay, not really, but the Institute was pretty amazing, it'll have an incredible impact on his scholarship and teaching, and we should all be fighting to preserve the NEH's tiny little sliver of the national budget. But now I'm getting dangerously off-track.)Even before this sudden immersion into a new social environment, I was already thinking about friendship because my Midwest world tour in May/June gave me the chance to catch up with people I hadn't seen in far too long (where "far too long" ranged from months to decades). Then in NYC I experienced my first-ever meetup of internet friends—fellow devotees of The Toast (long may it be remembered and periodically reemerge)—and to my delight, it felt like we'd all known each other IRL since time immemorial. I am terrible about making time to talk on the phone and don't always even text/email/whatever the people I care about as often as I should, but mediated communication always pales in comparison to the real thing. It feels magical to coexist in the same space and feel that sensation of Friendship happening all around you, whether you're reestablishing an old friendship or forging a new one. Sometimes one like-minded conversation is all it takes.Not everyone is a good friendship fit, of course, and your job is probably going to put you in contact with people you actively dislike from time to time. But I feel strongly that "maybe a friend? or at least someone I can respect and appreciate?" is the best perspective to have whenever you're meeting someone new. In retrospect, that's been a theme in some of my recent posts, too: I wrote about being cordial with coworkers (even the annoying ones) for HuffPost, and my latest Dear Businesslady column is essentially about treating everyone fairly (regardless of whatever personal biases you might have) and finding a workplace where you're accepted.The theme starts breaking down at this point of the link roundup, because I did not become instant friends with the WGN Chicago anchor who interviewed me back in June, nor with the host of the Your Working Life podcast I appeared on, much as I enjoyed those conversations. I am friends with the author of this profile from my alma mater's alumni magazine, though (so much for objective journalism).And if you think my stupid jokes are funny, maybe we can be friends too. Actually, if you were following me on Medium, you probably should find me on Twitter/Facebook, because The Billfold is on a different platform now and I'm slightly better about announcing updates on social media than I am about sending out Tinyletters. Although I should have a new column running soon, and lord knows I have a million more NYC stories to share, so I'll try to get another mini-missive out this month.~court, AKA BusinessladyCORRECTIONS! A Doggedly Recurring SeriesBefore Doug and I fully learned the NYC subway system, we accidentally got on a southbound train when we wanted to be going north. The doors had already closed when we realized our mistake, but then they briefly reopened. We stood next to them in case we got another opportunity to escape, and—miracle of miracles!—they opened again. . . just long enough for Doug to step out onto the platform before they instantly slammed shut. I looked at him through the window like, "Well!" as the train started moving and I heard someone murmur behind me, "Oh snap they got separated?" Presumably I'm now living out an alternate life somewhere, so hopefully that's going well for Bizarro Me.PHOTO TIMEI have so many pictures of art and architecture from our trip that it's impossible to choose just one. Instead, please enjoy this triumphant image from inside a Bed Bath & Beyond, the culmination of a heroic quest. I became really attached to the dish brush in our temporary residence, and thanks to the power of capitalism, I now have one of my very own. I was thrilled to successfully track it down, and I wish I was exaggerating about that.